'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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