Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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