Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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