I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
