STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
