Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I have already put on my inside pants.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
