Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Randomize
