I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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