I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
