The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
