It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
