Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
