Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
