My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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