I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
