Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
