You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
