I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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