i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
