I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Randomize
