i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Randomize
