Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
