i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
