so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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