You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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