i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
