this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
