Need sex. Gaining weight.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
