If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
