Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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