i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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