how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
