When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
