I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
