Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
