at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Randomize
