Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
