i would punch a child for taco bell
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
