Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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