just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I did not marry a roomba.
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