i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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