I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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