a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
