Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
