god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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