it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
