I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
