Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
