Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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