Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You took a bar mat shot.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
