i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
